Dear Government of the Americanos,
I know that you’re very busy, doing whatever the hell it is you do, but I wanted to write you this letter to express my gratitude. I know that many of my fellow United Staters aren’t very happy with you right now. But honestly I think you’re doing a dynamite job. So that’s why I’m writing you this letter. To say thank you for all of your hard work and dedication.
First, great job on the whole shut-down thing. Really top-notch work. I mean, if I had to describe it in one word, I guess I would say “masterpiece”, but that’s a bit cliché. If you give me more I’ll think of a better word. Maybe in my next letter. Anyways, very nicely done. The whole “we’re just not gonna do our jobs anymore” angle was played expertly. Sheer genius, really. Not that you do anything on a regular basis anyways, but the theatrics were stunning. Simply stunning. I just want you to know that all of the hard work that you put into doing no work at all hasn’t gone unappreciated.
The whole starting back up again thing was pretty stupid, though. Like, really stupid. Not really sure what you’re trying to pull, but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Overall, very poor strategy. Not sure who engineered that move, but it’s safe to say they won’t be getting many votes next time around.
Second, your work with the surveillance, the whole prying into everyone’s personal lives, very solid. I know you said you didn’t look at every call or whatever, but let’s be real, you looked at everything you could get your hands on. And that’s fine. I’m cool with that. Yeah, it’s really not any of your business, and the kids these days are calling it an “invasion of privacy” or some mumbo jumbo, but that’s a load of garbage. Seriously, what sane person wouldn’t want the most intelligent, hard-working, and kind-hearted people in the world, which you clearly are, to see all of their phone calls? And text messages? And e-mails? And literally every form of electronic communication? Hell, you could put a camera in my shower and I wouldn’t give a damn (I hope, for the safety of us Americans, that you’re already monitoring the terrorist-havens that we all know showers are). As long as I’m making your job easier, you can surveillance me as much as your tiny, cold hearts desire. Privacy-schmivacy. Freedom-schmeedom.
Ohh and just as a side note, I’m thinking about running for Congress. I know, it’s a long shot, but I think I have a really good chance. I have no qualifications, no prior experience, and I’m sure I have nothing to contribute that would benefit the well-being of the United States. So basically, I’m perfect for the job. Just wanted to give you all a heads up.
Now, back to business.
Lastly, and definitely most importantly, I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the absolutely bang up job that you’re doing with the economy. Really, thank you. I wake up every morning and thank God for the work you’ve done to increase our debt. It makes me happier than just about anything. I’m actually crying right now, writing this sentence. That’s what a tremendous job you’ve done. I’m crying tears of utter joy. Please, if you do one thing, one thing at all, keep running this baby head first into the ground. It’s your best option. It’s your only option. Spend our money til there’s nothing left to spend. Take a vacation on me, buy a sports car or something, I don’t care. Just keep wasting our money.
Debt ceiling? Seriously, you think we need a debt ceiling? I haven’t heard such a good joke since my buddy told me the one about the midget in a tub full of pudding. Blow that sucker right off. The last thing we need is a concrete reminder of exactly how much money we can spend. That could honestly be the dumbest, most nonsensical idea I’ve ever heard. Seriously, so stupid. If I were in Congress, I would give my fellow Congresspeople a weekly allowance of, like, a bazillion dollars. I know you’re all responsible so the cash would be put to good use. Good idea, right? Take that as the first bit of campaigning for my Congressional bid.
But yes, keep spending and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The economy should be pretty well dried up by the time that I, and every other college student in the entire United States, wants to find a job. Really, we would like nothing more than to be unemployed.
I know, I’ve been giving you a lot of praise throughout this letter. To be fair, you guys deserve it. But don’t go getting all big-headed and think that you can just slack off. There’s still a lot of stuff that you guys can be doing better. If you keep working as hard as you have been, you’ll keep our government in tip-top shape. I know that my future’s in good hands.
Again, thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. I can say with 1000% certainty that America is a darker, bleaker place because of you.
Vote Andrew Bevevino for Congress