Well, I was doing some thinking today. Some long, thoughtful, wizard-like pondering, and I came to a pretty ground-breaking conclusion. Women are going to rule the world.
Dudes, I know. This is a sad, dark day. But, deep down, I think we all knew it was coming. I think we all knew that we were destined to be the peasant-slaves of the superior sex.
Don’t believe me? That’s fine. I have eleven reasons – all grounded in undeniable science – that will prove my point.
And here they are…
The 11 Reasons Why Women Will Rule the World
1. They have incredible handwriting. For scribing important, ruler-of-the-world documents and such
2. They’re far more mature. Women have the incredible power to not laugh when they hear the word “poop,” and to not think that a massive, earth-shaking fart is hilarious, putting them far ahead of where men can ever hope to be.
3. Men have a lower life-expectancy than women. A crucial part of ruling the world is being alive to rule it. Touche, women.
4. The bitch slap. Women wield this weapon with the combined lethal force of 100 samurai. Men cower in fear of the crushing, stinging power of the bitch slap.
5. Color-coordination. An essential for world domination. And color-coordination rhymes with world domination. Coincidence? I think not
6. The ability to give birth. Anyone who’s able to birth a mini version of them self deserves a seat on the throne of the world. Men, unless we can figure out a way to perform this incredible feat ourselves, we’re screwed.
7. They smell amazing. Like donuts baked from the oven of Zeus. Or bacon cooked on a sizzling hot slab of pure gold…well, I guess women don’t really smell like either of those things, but I think you catch my drift.
8. There are more women than there are men. If there were a battle of the sexes, like a scene from Braveheart battle where both sides recklessly charge at each other with wooden spears and battle-axes, women would probably win. Not because of their razor-sharp tactical skills (which we all know they have), but because their army is humongous. Look at this ever-so-helpfully placed map if you don’t believe me.
Told ya so…
9. Yoga pants. I’m not listing yoga pants for their ability to render men completely powerless with their form-fitting ways. No, I’m listing this fashion fad because ladies can wear the absolute minimum amount of fabric between their butts and the rest of the whole wide world and get away with it. Society thinks it’s perfectly fine for women to hide their behinds with a centimeter of skin-tight fabric. If men were to wear something similar, a type of pantaloon that was tight-fitting to the junk, we would be arrested on the spot. I don’t know how you did it, but nicely done women.
10. Men are more likely to die doing something really stupid. Like a knife fight to the death, or a gang shootout, or swimming with killer whales. You just done see that in women.
11. They’re technically smarter. I know, you’ve been waiting for this the whole time. Yes, women are smarter. Happy now?
So there they are. The cold, hard facts.
Women, congratulations. Just keep in mind who predicted your reign when your making all of us men do servantly things.
That’s me. I predicted that.
Please don’t hurt me…