End Kwote

After it's all said and done, life's just a bunch of kwotes

In case you didn’t know, a major holiday has just begun. That’s right, I’m talking about Chanukah (there are many different ways to spell this grand holiday, but I chose to spell it the way that confuses people the most because, well, it’s fun).

Another fact that you may not be aware of; half of my family is Jewish. Yep, my Mom’s side of the fam lights the menorah instead of decorating the tree.

Well, my Mom actually does both, being that my Dad is Catholic and celebrates Christmas. So we sort of get the best of both worlds. Pretty cool huh? I know, I’m cultured.

But Chanukah seems to be forgotten in the yule tide riptide that is Christmas. You don’t see any Chanukah specials running at Wal-Mart, and there certainly aren’t any commercials showing a family gathered around the menorah. Everyone – except those of the Jewish faith – seems to glance over this very major, and very cool holiday.

Well, I’ve had it. I won’t let Chanukah take the backseat to Christmas any longer. So that’s why I’ve composed this list of reasons why Chanukah is better than Christmas.

Ready. Set. Go

1. No Santa Claus. You don’t have to have an old, fat, and probably stinky guy wearing what looks like fuzzy scuba suit invade your home and drink all your milk. Ohh and apparently Santa watches everything you do for the entire year. That’s normal…

2. No eggnog. You don’t have to drink the slimy, goopy, repugnant ooze that tastes like bread dough

3. No needles from a tree. Sure, I enjoy vacuuming up the blanket of little, green needles that would otherwise stab into my foot like little Christmas daggers. Don’t you?

4. Dreidels. Boom

5. Gelt. It’s chocolate money, people. Let that sink in for a second. Chocolate. Money

6. Chanukah Harry!!

7. And the Bear Jew

8. And the Fonz

9. No Naughty or Nice List. If you celebrate Chanukah, you can be as naughty as you damn well please for the whole year.

10. Latkes. Who doesn’t love a sumptuous, mouth-watering, potato pancake??

11. No “Feliz Navidad”. You don’t have to listen to that dumb bastard sing the same lines a bajillion time in what is clearly the most annoying Christmas song in the history of Christmas.

12. Eight days of presents. Clearly superior to one

13. No reindeer. Reindeer flying at the speed of light then abruptly slamming onto the roof of your house. Doesn’t sound like serious roof damage at all…not to mention the doody that they leave…

14. Judah Maccabee. The face of Chanukah is a total and complete badass

15. Awesome menorahs

Yes, that's my menorah. And yes, it's a race car

Yes, that’s my menorah. And yes, it’s a race car

There you have it. The reasons why Chanukah is a better holiday than Christmas.

What’s that? You don’t agree?? Well I would like to hear your reasoning for such thoughts. Go ahead, try to argue. JUST TRY!!

…sorry..I got a little out of hand there…

In all seriousness, both holidays are tremendous. I would know, seeing as I celebrate them both. I just don’t want Chanukah to be forgotten by all the gentle gentiles of the world.

Whether you wear a menorah, or sport a Santa hat, I hope you enjoy your holiday with the people you love.

Ohh yeah, Thanksgiving’s tomorrow…so there’s that…

End Kwote

One thought on “Chanukah is Better Than Christmas

  1. Prof DeSimone says:

    I just can’t buy in to the idea that Feliz Navidad is the worst Christmas song ever. There are so many worse songs. Barbara Streisands rendition of Jingle Bells comes to mind.

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