You may think this is Andrew (the regular post-person for this blog), but actually, it isn’t. This is Sophie. I’m his dog.
Actually, I’m the family dog, but that’s of little importance.
What’s important is that I don’t belong to the family. The family belongs to me. They’re my servants, peasants really. They wait on me paw and paw. They feed me, pet me, and take me outside whenever I feel like it. And if they don’t take me out, I just take a big, steaming deuce on the living room floor. Teach em a lesson, ya know? Show em who’s boss.
Just look at me know. I’ve commandeered Andrew’s computer while he’s out doing stupid, unimportant human things. I could ruin his entire digital life if I wanted to. But that’s not my style. Instead, I’ll just leave my mark on this site of his.
He seems to show you his perspectives on life, so I think I’ll do something similar. I’ll show you a glimpse into my life and how it’s vastly superior to your’s as a menial human.
Here’s a rundown of a day in the life of me, Sophie the dog, complete with photographs. Enjoy, but try not to smash the screen in jealousy
I wake up. Immediately, I tell my servants to feed me. I pretend like I’m acting cute and begging for food, but really I’m manipulating. They’re so stupid and they don’t even know it.
10:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m.
I’m still groggy from my long night’s sleep, so I put on my favorite sweater, pull the hood over my eyes, and take a glorious nap right in the middle of the kitchen floor.
12:00 p.m.-1:00 p.m.
Army crawl practice
1:00 p.m.-2:00 p.m.
2:00 p.m.-2:30 p.m.
I’ve worked myself up from all the exercise, so now it’s time for one of my serfs to let me out.
2:30 p.m.-3:00 p.m.
I force Andrew to throw this purple toy across the floor so I can get some exercise. I have to stay in shape so I can retain my title as supreme conqueror
3:00 p.m.-7:00 p.m.
I take another nap. And yes, I sleep on my back cause I don’t give a damn.
7:00 p.m.-8:00 p.m.
I shred the drums
8:00 p.m.-8:30 p.m.
8:30 p.m.-9:00 p.m.
9:00 p.m.-9:30 p.m.
I show Andrew a sliver of affection so he doesn’t discover that I’m really his master
I end my day, sleeping wherever I damn well please. This time it’s on Andrew’s chest. Despite the sickening cuteness of the picture, I haven’t forgotten my role as dictator.
So there you have it. A day in the life of Sophie the dog. I hope you enjoyed it, but I have a hunch that you didn’t because you saw how amazing and worry free my life is.
Maybe you’ll be reborn as a dog someday…but don’t count on it..
That’s all for now. I suppose I’ll get back to my demanding schedule. I’m actually supposed to be napping right now so I’d better get to it.
Maybe I’ll steal the knave’s computer again and say hello to all you subservient humans again some other time.
Until then, enjoy your inferior lives.