End Kwote

After it's all said and done, life's just a bunch of kwotes

When you lose the last game of the season, you get a sick feeling in your gut, like you’ve just eaten spoiled meat. That feeling of failure is one that is so base and disgusting. There is very little that can console you when you lose that last game.

There’s even less when you lose the last game of your career. There’s even less when you know there’s not a next year. There’s even less when you know you’re done playing forever.

I played baseball for my whole life. The game is beautiful. Everything about it is very systematic and symmetrical, but at the same time, it’s chaotic and volatile. A microcosm of life, maybe.

But with baseball came something else. Or rather, someone else. My Grandfather. Poppy.

Given who my Poppy is, I really had no choice about playing baseball. It’s such an enormous part of his life that, by default, it was going to be a part of mine. He bleeds the game. He played it for most of his life and he loves it with all his heart. That kind of passion is infectious, and it infected me.

“Home runs don’t matter, Andrew” his gruff voice would say as he bought me another round at the batting cage. “Singles and doubles. You need hits, not home runs. If you can hit, then you’ll play.”

I gripped the bat in my hands, frustrated at my inability to cleanly strike the ball. But it wasn’t my skills that made me mad. It was the thought that, somehow, I needed to make my Poppy happy. I needed to do this for him. I needed to make him proud.

And so, I spent thousands of hours honing my hitting skills. My hands are still calloused from the blisters that were constantly forming, bursting, and reforming.

But no matter where I was, I always remembered, “If you can hit, then you’ll play.”

No piece of advice served me better as a baseball player. I was small, and I had a below average arm.

But I could hit. And so I played.

Groups of us walked off the field with wet cheeks and swollen eyes. We just lost the last game we would ever play. For most of us, there was no next year. We were done. Forever.

I was sick. And I was crying hard. Sobbing, almost. There wasn’t a way for me to wrap my brain around everything. It was like a family member just died. I couldn’t understand that baseball was gone forever.

My teammates found their families. I stood back and watched everyone hang their heads and absorb the attempts of consolation.

I stood for a minute and wiped my eyes. My family was waiting for me, too.

I saw my Poppy, and I saw that he understood. He didn’t tell me “It’s alright” or “You gave it your all.” He just saw me, and he understood.

I had settled down, tears coming to a stop. I hugged everyone in my family. But I saved my Poppy for last.

Whenever I greeted him or said goodbye, we always shook hands. We were always very formal, and we didn’t show each other much emotion. It was always a firm handshake and an “I’ll call you after the next game.”

But this time was different. I walked up to him, and I hugged him as hard as I could.

I hugged him, started to cry, and said, “Did I make you proud?”

He hugged me back and said, “Yes, you did. More than you’ll ever know.”

I was two for three that game. A double and a triple. I hit.

I lost a part of me that day. It was one of the saddest times I can remember. But it was also one of the happiest times I can remember. My Poppy was always there to guide me. He was always there to help me. He was always there to set me straight.

I realized that, regardless of whether I hit or not, my Poppy was always there to be proud of me.

End Kwote

6 thoughts on “Poppy

  1. lindiron@comcast.net says:

    Andrew, I am at a complete loss of words! I didn’t have my computer on all day yesterday, so it was Stacy’s command at 8 am this morning, that brought me immediately to my computer & this posting. Thank you for starting my day off with tears…. is that better than ending a day that way? I assume that a topic must have been suggested, or else why write this now? It is a treasure from start to finish, especially for the grandparent about whom it written. … We had such wonderful summers following you as you advanced in baseball, from little league on up, and the conclusion of that game was a sad one for us as well. I think Poppy relived his baseball playing years a little through you, and that brought those years to their second end for him as well. We have been proud of you since the day you were born, and that day was no exception. You were born a leader and you will stay a leader, and you will go on to inspire many others, just as Poppy has done for you . I am stopped fairly often by parents of former students and am applauded for the good qualities I instilled in their children, and I think it can’t be possible because they were then four years old and they are now in high school or beyond. What could I have done? I guess we adults had better be more conscious of our attitudes and our words, because we are truly mostly unaware of how we are affecting those students. When words like yours come back to us, it is very humbling and at the same time it makes us extremely happy. We are here for a purpose, and we’d better make it count. Thank you for such wonderful words. Much love always. Nanny

  2. Mama Bo says:

    A fine tribute. And you never had a below average arm.

  3. This brought tears to my eyes.

    1. End Kwote says:

      I was a mess writing it. There were many a tissue break.

      Thanks for the read!

    2. djmatticus says:

      Seriously! This is not the way to start off the week!!
      Now, where’s my tissue box…

      1. End Kwote says:

        My apologies. But I hope those are years of joy!

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