End Kwote

After it's all said and done, life's just a bunch of kwotes

I’ll listen to one of my favorite songs, happily whistling the tune and pretending to sing the words. I’ll smile at the harmonies and sway to the chorus. I’ll tap my foot to the beat and let the rhythm flood my head.

But, after chorus or two, I’ll remember that I listened to it with you.

Now it’s ruined.

I’ll watch one of my favorite movies, one that always makes me smile. One that I could watch a hundred times and still find interesting. I’ll sit through the scenes thinking about how I can relate and how the characters might inspire me to do something great.

But, after a scene or two, I’ll remember that I watched this movie with you.

Now it’s ruined.

I’ll go to one of my favorite restaurants where the food is amazing and the service is better. If I wanted to, I could order five eggs, ten pancakes, and six pieces of toast, and it would all be in front of me by the time the minute hand on my watch moved five ticks. The tables are filled with good people who live good lives.

But, after a piece of toast or two, I’ll remember that I ate here with you.

Now it’s ruined.

I’ll walk my favorite route, the one I can go back to time and time again without getting bored. I’ll walk until my feet get tired, but it won’t matter, because I’ll feel better having seen the things along the way that make me happy. I’ll go from here to there, from start to finish, and that is satisfying.

But, after a block or two, I’ll remember that I walked here with you.

Now it’s ruined.

I’ll go to my favorite spot by the river where I sit to think about life and try to figure things out . I can sit there, look at the lights bounce off the water, and be calm, even if only for a little while. I can breathe clean air and make sense of it all. I can feel better even if I have a tall stack of problems. I can escape it all and protect myself from anything I don’t want to deal with.

But, after minute or two, I’ll remember that I showed this spot to you. And that I saw you here with someone else.

Now it’s ruined.


Do you ever feel like this? Like some of the greatest things in your life are ruined because of the baggage they’ve picked up along the way? Every time I come back to one of these things, something that was my favorite, I feel sick because of what’s happened. Those things were mine. Places I could go or things I could do that would make me happy. Now they’re soured. Now they’re tainted. Now they’re ruined.

I know it doesn’t have to be this way, that my favorite things are only as ruined as I let them be. I know that if I could just flip a switch in my head they’d become mine again. I know I could get over it.

And I’ve tried.

I’ve gone back to these places and I’ve done these things, because in the end, they’re still mine, and they always will be. I’ve focused all of my will into blocking out the bad memories and getting over the hump. But as hard as I try, there’s always something jagged inside me letting me know that things aren’t like they used to be. Things have changed. Some of them for the worse.

That’s life I guess. Some of your favorite things stay your favorites, others go away completely, and others stay but haunt you with time spent regretfully. That’s how it all works.

That doesn’t really make me feel any better, but maybe with that in mind, I can focus on forgetting instead of regretting. Maybe I can get past the past. Maybe I can let my favorite things be my favorites again.

Maybe.

End Kwote

3 thoughts on “Now It’s Ruined

  1. The Cutter says:

    They can ruin, everything, no? But hey, maybe you can share those things with someone new and “un-ruin” them.

    1. End Kwote says:

      That’s actually very uplifting. Not sure why I didn’t even consider that. But hey, that’s why I hired you

  2. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Time helps, but some things aren’t going to be right again. I had to decide what I could sacrifice and what I needed to salvage to not give everything to the loss.

    ((hugs))

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